What are you dressing up as? A witch? A scarecrow? A functioning adult who maintains healthy boundaries, processes difficult feelings without judgment, drinks 8 glasses of water a day, nourishes themselves adequatel,and moves their body regularly for optimal physical and mental health? Oh…Wednesday from the Addams Family? Yeah…me too.
It’s easy to grab a costume and disguise ourselves in the spirit of Halloween. But what about all of the other disguises we put on - whether we are aware of it or not? *See above description of functioning adult. Whether it’s a costume party, cosmetics, or learning all about our neuro-spiciness, there’s a lot of talk about ‘masks’ and ‘masking.’
We all do it. We are socialized to ‘put our best face forward’ in every meaning of that phrase. We learn from a very early age (and from observation and social cues) what is acceptable and what’s not. It’s hard to admit that we’re not okay. The second someone asks: “how are you?” our immediate answer is: “I’m good! How are you?” And they’re probably “good” too. But are we “good”? I mean, on average, we’re “fine.”
But the reality is that anything less pleasant than “good” is an emotion that is not only uncomfortable for others to be around, but also uncomfortable for ourselves to really sit in.
Think of a recent moment where you did not feel “good” or “okay” or “fine”. It might have been this morning. It might be right now as you’re reading this. If I asked “how are you?” and you were to answer me honestly, what would you say? And would you quickly follow it up with “but at least…” or “could be worse,” or “but I have so much to be grateful for”? And let’s be real, most people listening to someone talk about hard feelings are going to be pretty swift to jump in with those phrases too. It’s the world we live in. We have little to no tolerance for sitting in difficult and painful emotions without feeling guilty, attention-seeking, sorry for ourselves, victimized, comparing it to someone else’s situation, etc. Maybe we are the ones jumping in with those phrases when someone we care about is feeling all the feels. It’s not totally our fault. Like I said, this is the world we live in. A world that views any feeling less pleasant than contentment as a “problem” that requires a “solution.”
Cue toxic positivity. Life’s too short to be stressed. Too blessed to be stressed. No rainbows without the rain. And so on and so forth. And I’m not saying that gratitude, resilience, getting through hard times, and moving forward aren’t all good things.
But we often miss a very important step before we get to that: feeling the emotions. Feeling the pain, the sadness, the loneliness, the not-enoughness, the jealousy, the irritability, the injustice - ALL OF THE FEELINGS.
They are just feelings! They don’t mean anything about who you are, what you believe in, your values, the people you love, etc. They are normal human emotional responses to the world around us and the events we experience.
*Now the behaviour and the actions that can go along with these feelings do mean something. But that’s the difference. The feeling is a normal human response to things. The behaviour is a choice. It’s pretty normal to have feelings of not being good enough if I don’t get the job I applied for or if someone doesn’t call me for a second date. It’s okay to feel that. It’s not a fact. But it is letting me know that getting that job, or getting into a relationship, or whatever the situation is - means something to me. It’s important to me and I’m having a feeling about it. If I take that feeling as a fact, then it influences my behaviour. I don’t apply for another position because the fact is: I’m not good enough. I don’t go on a first date with a new person because the fact is: I’m not good enough for a relationship
FALSE.
All of our feelings are completely neutral, completely okay to feel, and don’t say anything factual about us. They do ask us to be curious about why we might be feeling that way AND ask to just be acknowledged and felt. That’s it. What we choose to do (our behaviour) can be decided on BEYOND the feelings. Using other information like logic, reasoning, what we know for sure, what we have evidence of, what aligns with our values, and so on and so forth.
Now that I’ve said all that, doesn’t it make sense that we are all masking in various ways all the time? We’ve been taught to do it. And we have some unlearning to do. I’m not saying that when the cashier at the grocery store asks “how are you today?” that you open up about all of your feelings about the relationship with your spouse (come on, please don’t do that - it benefits nobody.) What I am saying is that it’s okay to open up about those things to a loved one, a trusted friend, a therapist, and most importantly - yourself.
So for this Halloween, I’ll be going as myself: a 42 year old, neuro-spicy, perimenopausal mother of two young kids (who want to trick or treat but also don’t want to hold all of their candy and are also cold but don’t want to cover up their costume) who is just trying to process both the beauty and the pain of the world while also making sure that the grocery shopping and the laundry gets done, that I’m caught up on my paid work, keeping on top of appointments, grieving the loss of a parent and a million other things, and also making time to move my body, drink some water, hang out with my husband, see my friends, and just get through this one wildly precious and incredibly challenging life.
-Heather
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